Apparently my publicist, booksellers and the criminal court judge administering my case fail to appreciate the efforts that I make daily to ensure that my book continues to be an international bestseller.  These so-called professionals are absolutely clueless as to how to promote my emergence as the hottest satirical writer since Ayn Rand and Mahatma Gandhi. Don't they know I'm the publishing world's savior?  My body of one work has single-handedly saved the publishing industry from the invasion of the Kindle, the Nook and the Xerox machine.  Yet I never receive hero recognition. Not that I need it. I'm quite sure that you can tell that my self-esteem is intact.  But I deserve it. I crave it. And I'm entitled to it. Recognition from the world population ranks high on my expectation list. And until this injustice is rectified, world peace shall never occur in my bank account.

            As you wade into the deep, shark-filled waters of promoting yourself and your own tome, I recommend that you ignore the naysayers who work for your publisher. Some of them are just haters. What do they know about the criminal code? If they are not willing to bail you out of jail because you were arrested for trespassing in front of the New York Times building then you just might want to sign with another publisher. There has to be another publisher that would appreciate your picketing the good folks at Bookscan demanding, that they add your book to the New York Times Bestseller list. Step out of the promotional box, I say. Dare to be different. Drink Charlie Sheen's tiger blood.  Don't let the corporate robber barons steal your spirit.

            Now allow me to share with you my valiant efforts to be an established glamorous best-selling author. I share these never-before-revealed secrets with you, so you can avoid wasting time with traditional, boring marketing methods such as social media and television/radio interviews. Keep in mind that these stale ideas are often recommended by boring people. These boring people caused me much heartbreak along the long road to publishing stardom. Ignore their advice at all costs.

            Tip One: Every author on the New York Times Best-Seller list is a charlatan. And you can be one too. Here's how. Borrow $25,000 from loan sharks in the Dominican Republic. Invest the money in the purchase of your own book from reporting booksellers. I have a funny feeling that Border's will appreciate your business right now. Inbox me for contact information. Low interest rates. Quick payback required. Bad credit okay. Health insurance recommended.

            Tip Two: To connect with your waiting public, sell your book on the New York City subway—during rush hour. Where can you find a captive, friendly audience of 2.5 million fans? Throw in your free autograph to encourage sales. Don't worry if your 2.5 million adoring fans hiss and avoid eye contact. I have found that a lowered gaze means that they are humbled by my presence. One caveat: A homeless person might have the audacity to supersede his needs over your own. Don't let this inconsiderate person dissuade you from the mission at hand. Sell your book, grasshopper.

            Tip Three: Your local police department adores avant garde art. In the old days, it was called graffiti, but fortunately, after spending millions of dollars to tidy your city's landscape, I am confident that they would appreciate if you would commission your book cover to be painted on your city's established landmarks.  It worked for me. Generated all kinds of media attention when my book cover was plastered on the front door of St. Patrick's Cathedral. How else will the Archbishop know about your work, since he's swamped reading the Bible and all? Or if painting your book cover on treasured religious institutions is not your cup of tea, why not add equity to your landlord's property. She was probably just thinking of methods to add value to her property.

In conclusion, grasshoppers, promoting your work will be a lonely journey. Ignore all who want you to live realistically, because they will never recognize your sheer genius.

Sabrina Lamb is the author of "A Kettle Of Vultures...Left Beak Marks On My Forehead" (Simon & Schuster). She is based in the New York City area of the planet.

http://www.SabrinaLamb.com